This story re-inforces the belief that
Men are from Mars & Women are from
Venus
The year is 2222 and Mike and
Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and
begin talking about all sorts of
things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock
market, if they have laptop computers,
how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the
subject of sex. "Just how do
you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
"Pretty much the way you do,"
responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the
couples decide to swap partners for
the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go
off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny, weenie
member - about half an inch long and
just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going
to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's
the matter?"
"Well," she replies,
"It's just not big enough!"
"No problem," he says,
and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm.
With each slap of his forehead,
his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's
quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...."
"No problem," he says,
and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows
wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the
woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as
they fall into bed and make mad,
passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin
their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks,
"Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says
Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he
replies, "All she kept doing the
whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
----------------------------
Some
Questions & Answers...
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law
backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your
own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot
and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf
ball.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have
in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest
have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and
"aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. How do you find a blind man in a
nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a
girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a
boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
---------------------------
Understanding engineers - Take 1
Two engineering students crossing the
campus when one said, "Where did you
get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode
up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take
what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly,
"Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
Understanding Engineers - Take 2
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to
be.
Understanding Engineers - Take 3
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were
waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed,
"What's with these guys? We
must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know,
but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes
the greens keeper. Let's have a
word with him.
Hi George!
Say, what's with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes,
that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their
sight saving our clubhouse from a fire
last year, so we always let them play for
free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The
pastor said, "That's so sad. I think
I will say a special prayer for them
tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy
and see if there's anything he can do for
them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these
guys play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take 4
What is the difference between mechanical
engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and
civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks,
"Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree
asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks,
"Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take 6
Three engineering students were
discussing the possible designers of the
human body.
One said, "It
was a mechanical engineer." Just
look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an
electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical
connections."
The last one said, "Actually it was
a civil engineer. Who else would
run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take 7
"Normal people believe that if it
ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't
broke, it doesn't have enough features
yet"
Understanding Engineers - Take 8
An architect, an artist and an engineer
were discussing whether it was better to
spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with
his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
"Yeah. If you have a wife and
a mistress, they will each assume you are
spending time with the other woman, and
you can go to the lab and get some work
done."
Understanding Engineers - Take 9
An engineer was crossing a road one-day
when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss
me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
The engineer bent over, picked up the
frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his
pocket, smiled at it and returned it to
the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you
want."
Again the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is
the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay
with you for a week and do anything you
want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an
engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
cool."
----------------------------------
Murphy showed up at
Mass one Sunday and the priest almost
fell down when he saw him.
Murphy had never been seen in church in
his life.
After Mass, the priest caught Murphy and
said, "Murphy, I am so glad
you decided to come to Mass, what made
you come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest
with you Father. A while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really
love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a
hat just like me hat, and I knew that
McGlynn came to church every Sunday.
I also knew that McGlynn had to take off
his hat during Mass and I figured he
would leave it in the back of church. So,
I was going to leave after Communion and
steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I
notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy said, "Well, after I heard
your sermon on the 10 commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal
McGlynn's hat."
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and
said, "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in
Hell, right?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No,
Father, after you talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered
where I left me damn hat...."
----------------------------------
A geologist is sent to darkest Africa to
live with a primitive tribe.
He spends years with them, teaching them
Reading, Writing, Maths,
- and Geology.
One day the youngest & prettiest wife
of the tribe's chief gives birth to a
white child.
The members of the tribe are shocked, and
the chief pulls the geologist aside and
says,
"Look here! You're the only white
man we've ever seen and my youngest wife
has given birth to a white child.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out
what happened!"
The geologist replies, "No, Chief.
You're mistaken.
What you have here is a natural
occurrence... What we in the civilised
world call an albino!
Look at that field over there.
All of the sheep are white except for one
black one.
Nature does this on occasion."
The chief is silent for a moment, then
says:
"Tell you what. You don't say
anything more about the sheep
and I won't say anything more about the
baby."
.............One more shaggy sheep story!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
foursome was on the last hole and when
the last golfer drove off the tee he
hooked into a cow pasture .
He
advised his friends to play through and
he would meet them at the clubhouse.
They
followed the plan and waited for their
friend.
After a considerable time he appeared
disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.
They
all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow
pasture but could not find his ball.
He
noticed a cow wringing her tail in
obvious pain.
He
went over and lifted her tail and saw a
golf ball solidly embedded.
It
was a yellow ball so he knew it was not
his.
A woman comes out of the bushes
apparently searching for her lost golf
ball.
The
helpful male golfer lifted the cow's tail
and asked,
"Does this look like yours?"
That was the last thing he could remember.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before you apply for that advertised
position here's the key to Human Resource
Lingo
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than
our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll
dress up.
"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on
your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each
weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told
the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE
VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people
who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in
perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIED JOKES
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the
same way. --Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met. --Rodney Dangerfield
I was married by a judge. I should have
asked for a jury. -- George Burns
I bought my wife a new car. She called
and said, "There was water in the
carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?" She
said,"In the lake." -- Henny
Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a
secret. -- Henny Youngman
After a quarrel, a wife said to her
husband, "You know, I was a fool
when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but
I was in love and didn't notice."
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
- I don't like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more
affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but
he decided not to report it
because the thief was spending less than
his wife did.
Getting married is very much like going
to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you
see what the other fellow has,
you wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married.
Then he is finished.
Then there was a man who said, "I
never knew what real happiness was until
I got married;
then it was too late.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination
over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope
over experience.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry
done free.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NO PUNS INTENDED
1. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly, but when they lit a fire in the
craft it sank-proving once and for all
that you can't have your kayak and heat
it, too.
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South
Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed
behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much. The second one,
naturally, became known as the lesser of
two weevils.
3. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon
in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar
and announces: "I'm looking for the
man who shot my paw."
4. This guy goes into a restaurant for a
Christmas breakfast while in his hometown
for the holidays. After looking over the
menu he says, "I'll just have the
eggs Benedict." His order comes a
while later and it's served on a big,
shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's
with the hubcap?" The waiter sings,
"O, there's no plate like chrome for
the hollandaise!"
5. When she told me I was average, she
was just being mean.
6. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the
bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no
charge."
7. Two atoms are walking down the street
and they run into each other. One says to
the other, "Are you all right?"
"No, I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm
positive!"
8. Did you hear about the Buddhist who
refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to transcend
dental medication.
9. A group of chess enthusiasts checked
into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
boasting in an open foyer."
10. A doctor made it his regular habit to
stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri
on his way home. The bartender knew of
his habit, and would always have the
drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One
afternoon, as the end of the workday
approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set
it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink
and exclaimed, "This isn't a
hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
11. A hungry lion was roaming through the
jungle looking for something to eat. He
came across two men. One was sitting
under a tree and reading a book; the
other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man
reading the book and devoured him. Even
the king of the jungle knows that readers
digest and writers cramp.
12. There was a man who entered a local
paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least
one of the puns would win. Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
13. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc,
I keep having these alternating recurring
dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a
wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a
wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's
wrong with me?" The doctor replies:
"It's very simple. You're two tents."
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up
for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later,
Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a
picture of Amal. Her husband responds,
"But they are twins-if you've seen
Juan, you've seen Amal."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If someone betrays you once, it's his
fault; - If he betrays you twice, it's
your fault.
Great minds discuss ideas; - Average
minds discuss events; - Small minds
discuss people.
Learn from the mistakes of others. - You
can't live long enough to make them all
yourself.
-My grandfather's a little forgetful, but
he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me
there."
"Some women hold up dresses that are
so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This looks much better
on.' - On what? On fire?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Known Chinese Proverbs ...
Man who run in front of car, get tired. -
Man who run behind car, get exhausted.
Passionate kiss like spiders web - may
lead to undoing of fly.
War doesn't determine who's right - war
determines who's left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon
find him in cat house.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Country Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a local
farming couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian
and told him that he and his
wife/cousin didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him that there was a
procedure called a vasectomy that could
fix the problem but that it was expensive.
A less costly alternative, said the
doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb
(fireworks are illegal),
light it, put it in a beer can, then hold
the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The farmer said to the doctor, "I
may not be the smartest man in the world,
but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb
in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me." -------------
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb
and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count:
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point
he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs, and
resumed counting on his other hand.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
True Tech Support Stories ...
- A woman called the Canon help desk with
a problem with her printer.
The tech asked her if she was "running
it under Windows." The woman
then responded, "No, my desk is next
to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle
next to me is under a window,
and his is working fine."
---------------------------------------------
Company Organisation Chart
The boss now realises why everyone
working for him is full of s*@# .
You Know You're Getting Old When
...
You get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller
coaster.
Every time you think about exercise, you
lie down 'til the thought goes away.
Your mind not only wanders, sometimes it
leaves completely.
You finally know all the answers, but
nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
You finally get your head together, but
your body is falling apart.
You just hang something in your closet
for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes.
You've seen it all, done it all, and can't
remember most of it.
You were just getting used to yesterday,
then along came today.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Words To Ponder...
On the other hand, you have different
fingers.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad
name.
Depression is merely anger without
enthusiasm.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Support bacteria - they're the only
culture some people have.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy
all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.
Success always occurs in private. Failure
occurs in full view.
The severity of the itch is inversely
proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often
necessary to rise above your principles.
The problem with the gene pool is that
there is no lifeguard.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of
a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real
eye-opener.
If at first you don't succeed, then
skydiving isn't for you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the ladies - Questions and Answers
...
Why should you never let your man's mind
wander? - Because it's too little to be
let out alone.
Why go for younger men? - You might as
well - they never mature anyway.
Why will a woman rarely make a fool of a
man? - Most of them are the do-it-yourself
types.
Where should you look for a commited man?
- In a mental institution.
What does a man consider a seven course
meal? - A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Rules Men Know and Wish Women Did Too...
If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up
put it down.
If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't
want to hear.
Sometimes, he's not thinking about you.
Live with it.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Words for the Day ...
Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance
performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a
house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after
finding half a grub in
the fruit you're eating.
Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place
where you feel you've been
abducted and experimented upon.
Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or
outright lie about yourself
that leads to sex.
Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a
tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to
move relatives who come to visit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Answers To Questions You Never Thought To
Ask ...
Did you hear about the man who was tap
dancing? - He broke his ankle when he
fell into the sink.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
- Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't
work? - A stick.
What do you call Santa's helpers? -
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you get when you cross an
elephant and a skin doctor? - A
pachydermatologist.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an
"A" bra.
What's the difference between roast beef
and pea soup? - Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog? -
Right where you left him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Male & Female Chemical Properties ...
Two new chemical elements have recently
been discovered.
Here for the first time is a description
of their properties.
Element Name: WOMAN ( Symbol: O-+ )
----------------------------------------------------------------
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in
form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time.
Melts whenever treated properly.
Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly
unstable.
Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver,
platinum, and precious stones.
Violent when left alone. Able to absorb
great amounts of exotic food.
Turns slightly green when placed next to
a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental.
An extremely good catalyst for dispersion
of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income
reducing agent known.
Element Name: MAN ( Symbol: O-> )
---------------------------------------------------------
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room
temperature,
but gets bent out of shape easily.
Fairly dense and sometimes flaky.
Difficult to find a pure sample.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond
with WO any chance it can get.
Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:
Child) for prolonged
period of time.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane
source.
Good samples are able to produce large
quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this
element rapidly decomposes
and begins to smell.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Imponderables! ...
When an agnostic dies, does he go to the
"great perhaps"?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys
in his car?
Why is there a road sign that says "Braille
Institute, Next Exit"?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of
God?
If procrastinators had a club would they
ever have a meeting?
If a lawyer and a government tax agent
were both drowning, and you
could only save one of them, would you go
to lunch or read the paper?
How do you know when it's time to tune
your bagpipes?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
